An Open Letter to INXS
Dear INXS – Andrew, Tim, Jon, Kirk and Garry Gary,
As I write this, I’m literally writhing with agony and anxiety over whom you’ll choose as the new frontman of your band tomorrow, to the point where I can barely even think, sleep and type properly dfhfihisghighighkn/.. Kjhgg... see?
I have loved your band since I was a toddler. Of course, at that age, I also thought I was in love with Rick Astley. The difference between your band and Rick Astley is, Rick is like the unregistered bastard monkey-faced defective child that I dumped in the drain long ago and deny all knowledge of, your band, however, cheesy and sell out-ish as you guys can be, I still cherish (even now, at nearly 20 years of age) like a first born prince. You should know that you had the honor of creating the first song that I ever wanted to shake my booty too (Need You Tonight. Actually, it could’ve been that Vanilla Ice song. Ok, one of the first songs) and baby, I don’t shake my boo-tae to just any tune (actually, I do, when no one’s looking, of course). Sure, I forgot about you guys for a bit when my siblings were doing the whole grunge-thing. Sure, I forgot about you guys for a bit, when I was into the whole boyband thing (and for that, I can assure you, I have been duly punished). And sure, I forgot about you guys for a bit when I was in my angry 13 year old ghroaaawr bubblegum rock phase. Then, 4, 5, 6 years ago, while snooping around my sister’s room, I found a copy of your album, took a listen to it, and fell in love with your music all over again. Three years ago, my sister moved out and took her whole CD collection with her. So what I did was, I sacrificed smoking 8 and a half packs of cigarettes to have enough money to buy myself a copy of Definitive INXS (yeah, yeah, a real fan should have ALL your albums, but I’m broke, you bastards). I played your songs everyday for a year in my car while driving back and forth to college (my car now has no stereo. It also has no air conditioning. Pity me). One day, I was giving a classmate of mine a ride home from college, one of those hard-core-so-called-Goth-metal-purists-types. I played him Need You Tonight, Suicide Blonde, Devil Inside, Elegantly Wasted and The Gift, and he absolutely loved it (Of course, he also confused you guys with Jimi Hendrix whom I love even more, but that’s another story. What matters is that you guys and Jimi have entirely different musical styles. Anyone, especially a self professed “true rocker” like this dude should be able to tell and the fact that he couldn’t, well… I really don’t know if his opinion counts). I also converted this bubblegum pop loving friend of mine into being a fan of your band. The whole point I’m trying to make here, is that the fact that you guys are able to connect with people of such diverse musical inclinations is something truly remarkable and that I truly respect. And the fact that I’m introducing your music to people that are otherwise too young or stupid to have even heard of you, shows that I’m a real good fan, right? Right? You should also know, that I included at least one of your songs in every mix CD I have ever made for a friend (and that’s a lot!). So believe me when I say that I love you guys and I only want the best for your band.
I was apprehensive, even disgusted when I heard that you guys were on the look out for a new lead singer (you’re replacing Michael????! No one’s good enough to replace Michael!), and that you struck a deal with the Devil himself (that’s Mark Burnett, you do know he’s Satan, right?) to help you in your search. But now I realize that your intentions are somewhat noble, that all you really want to do is to continue to make music, and reach people all over the world with your music. And yes, true enough, even the noblest of deeds, most of the time, require dirty methods (like a reality show) to accomplish. One can’t deny the value of publicity generated by a show like Rock Star. And understandably, a band with a much loved, deceased lead singer that hasn’t come up with a new album in about a decade or so, needs all the attention they can get (and a new singer, doh) to release a new album. I am comforted by the fact that you guys have continuously assured us that you are not seeking to replace Michael; you’re not seeking to replace his memory, his voice. You’re merely seeking a new lead singer. Yes, I get it. I appreciate the fact that you allowed yourselves and your fans generous time –eight years to grieve and mourn. After all, it’s not like you guys kicked Michael out of the band. He died. You guys didn’t. You have every right to carry on. It ain’t over till the fat lady sings, in this case, it ain’t over till the fat Farriss (sorry Andrew, you’ve always been a little chunky but at least you're the most talented brother, eh?) lays down his guitar. INXS, as long as there’s music in you, keep on truckin’, for in silence, there is only death. You live, your fans live, by God, there shall be music!
Some may call your band cheesy, corny. Others might denounce you as sell outs. Losers (my sister called you this!). Wash-outs. One-trick ponies. Sometimes, I agree, but always, I love. Don’t ask me what you know is true; don’t have to tell you I love your precious heart.
And what do you know; Rock Star makes for much better viewing than American Idol. For one thing, the song selection suits my taste to a tee (INXS, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Jefferson Airplane, The Police, The Clash, Patti Smith, Nirvana, Joe Cocker’s The Letter, Queen, Black Crowes, Aerosmith, Bob Dylan, David Bowie….no painful renditions of Celine Dion or Barry Manilow here, god bless). Plus, unlike American Idol, I actually care about who ends up winning this “talent search” because like I said earlier, I actually care about your band.
And that brings me to your final three –Marty Casey, MiG Ayesa and JD Fortune. When I said that I only want what’s best for the band, I meant it. And what is best for your band, as far as my humble fan ears can hear, and my humble fan eyes can see, is JD Fortune. I say this with utter faith, conviction (and a touch of fanaticism). Remember what Ty’s group did to that track of yours, Andrew? They murdered it in the womb. They made it into a jingle for band camp. For god’s sake, Ty was from Dakota Moon! But JD, ah, JD, strange and left-field as he may be, made Pretty Vegas out of it – now that’s something you want to hear from INXS! I could write you a 50 page-long dissertation on why JD should be the lead singer for INXS but a line from your own song, Mystify would be much more powerful, should do all the talking that needs to be done – Why should JD front your band? Because he’s - *cue music*…..Eternally wild with the power to make every moment come alive!
Please don’t pick Marty. I don’t want to be yelled at by what sounds like an axe murderer with Ty’s Mohawk up his ass everytime I listen to your songs. You don’t want to shake your booty to Marty’s screaming, you want to cower in a corner under a blanket, calling out for Mommy. You don’t feel much of anything when Marty sings, except for maybe absolute fear for your fucking life (and the last time I checked, that isn’t what INXS’ music is all about). That song of his, Trees, is catchy alright, but in the most inane way possible. He’s lying when he says he can bring your band into the future, the dude sings and write just like your run of the mill post-grunge modern rock joe. I would rather you guys be doing your same old 80s tricks then go down the Creed/ Alterbridge/ Nickelback road (80s dance-rock is back in vogue anyhow, although I’ll take you guys over those new posers The Killers and The Bravery any day. Actually, I kind of like The Bravery’s Fearless but you guys don’t really need to know that, do you?) Also, why choose MiG? I thought you guys were looking for a rock star, not a leprechaun (just give him a pot of gold, a rainbow, and a green suit and he’s good to go to Ireland). He turns almost every song into a weepy ballad. How the hell did he manage to turn the Stones’ Paint It Black (one of my favorite songs, of all time) into a song that sounds like Richard Marx wrote while redecorating his kitchen and be proud of it? The only time I ever saw him perform one of your songs – What You Need – he same across as Barney on speed mimicking the moves of a nervous and horny high school cheerleader, on speed. I swear, if he takes off his shirt one more time, someone is going to press charges. Also, don’t just choose MiG just because he’s Australian and you’ve been suddenly overwhelmed by an intense bout of patriotism. There are other ways to serve your country.
Admittedly, JD has his weaknesses. His rendition of ‘We Are the Champions’ bombed. ‘As Tears Go By’ was weak but it’s one of my least favorite Stones songs anyway. And sometimes, yeah, his Elvis impersonator past gets the better of him. And sure, he comes across as a jerk to the other contestants but that’s probably just Burnett-editing (he’s Satan, doh, twisted yet subtle are his manipulations) , and sure he’s bit odd and unpredictable, but like you said yourself, Tim, JD could bring a much needed ‘edge’ to your band. I mean, seriously, I don’t mean this as an insult but lets face it, since you guys are close to 50 these days; you’re about as edgy as the rubbery back end of a pencil. And Andrew, didn’t you say you like how JD thinks out of the box? And remember when Dave Navarro said he would watch JD for two hours! JD is the only contestant to perform the same song (Pretty Vegas) 4 times on the show and he has shown each time that he’s able to keep things fresh and new and thrill the fuck out of the crowd (a handy skill to have on a world tour, don’t you think? When you’re playing the same set of songs night after night). And dude, guys, listen, JD has stirred up a response in me that no frontman or potential frontman of a band has been able to do in a very long time. He connects and that’s what a good frontman does; he connects the band to the people. Hate him, love him, you always feel strongly about him because he connects. People care enough to love him with a passion and others care enough to hate him with a vengeance, the point is everyone cares in one way or another. And you guys, you guys want to continue to connect don’t you, you guys want to keep being a band that people care about, don’t you?
I don’t particularly care for Marty and MiG (actually, in Marty’s case, I care enough to be afraid but that’s about it). The only reason they’re mentioned here is because I care about your band. I care about JD fronting your band and tomorrow, you might pick one of them over JD instead. And it scares me to think that from then on, I will be indifferent towards your band. I don’t want to be indifferent, I care about you guys, you cheesy, sell-out bastards, remember?
With Marty or MiG-who? fronting your band, you guys will be dead to me, DEAD, YOU HEAR ME? In fact, you would be better off hanging yourself in that Sydney hotel room with Michael in ‘97. At least I would be grieving and not indifferent.
With J.D. as your new frontman, you can be sure that I’ll continue the tradition of sacrificing 8 and a half packs of cigarettes (and god knows, how I love my cigarettes) to buy your album.
But if tomorrow, you should choose scary Marty or MiG-who, I might have to resort to smoking all 8 and a half packs of cigarettes in a day to ease the pain and disappointment. And I’ll send you the bill for my lung cancer treatment. That’s not a promise.
It’s a threat.
Choose JD. Do it for me. But most importantly –there’s no time to waste, you just do it for yourself (Listen Like Thieves, INXS; 1985- the year I was born, baby!)
Much love, your No. 448 fan, Maryam.
P.S. Yes, I admit it, it doesn’t hurt that JD Fortune is one helluva of a sexy thang. But I want to make it clear THAT IS NOT the main reason as to why I think he’s right for your band, and that’s not the main reason as to why he connects. It’s the fact that he connects that makes him sexy. Oh, and when you see JD tomorrow, tell him that he’s right for your band and that I’ll drink off his toes for his birthday, in fact, for any day, anytime, bay-beh. Dream on in the name of love (Original Sin, INXS; 1983). I will follow you, JD. I will follow The Dream. Now dance, monkey, dance!
P.S.S. If none of the final three works out for you, not that I’m saying JD wouldn’t but just hypothetically speaking, would you consider having me as the lead singer of your band? Two people told me the other day that I do a pretty mean rendition of ‘Mystify’. Of course, they were drunk. And they’re my friends. But they weren’t deaf so their opinion should count for something!
P.S.S.S Yes, I do understand that INXS will probably never read this letter. And I do realize I sound positively crazed if not completely boring. But you have to understand, I’ve been PMS-ed for the past few days (Mental Instability thy has Ovaries), and I haven’t left the house since Saturday (seeing that I’m more or less homicidal when I’m PMS-ed and I care about the safety of the general public. Also, I don’t want to go to jail or be sent to the gallows.) which means all this lack of sun and fresh air has caused me to turn a rather unsightly shade of pale green, like an anemic version of Kermit the Frog. (It ain’t easy being green…Hah! Try being female you amphibious muppet!) - Not ideal conditions for achieving the optimum state of mental and emotional health.
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“ Tu entre todos los seres tienes derecho a verme débil ”
(You among all beings have the right to see me weak).
El Dano (The Hurt); Pablo Neruda
At least I think that’s what it means
As I write this, I’m literally writhing with agony and anxiety over whom you’ll choose as the new frontman of your band tomorrow, to the point where I can barely even think, sleep and type properly dfhfihisghighighkn/.. Kjhgg... see?
I have loved your band since I was a toddler. Of course, at that age, I also thought I was in love with Rick Astley. The difference between your band and Rick Astley is, Rick is like the unregistered bastard monkey-faced defective child that I dumped in the drain long ago and deny all knowledge of, your band, however, cheesy and sell out-ish as you guys can be, I still cherish (even now, at nearly 20 years of age) like a first born prince. You should know that you had the honor of creating the first song that I ever wanted to shake my booty too (Need You Tonight. Actually, it could’ve been that Vanilla Ice song. Ok, one of the first songs) and baby, I don’t shake my boo-tae to just any tune (actually, I do, when no one’s looking, of course). Sure, I forgot about you guys for a bit when my siblings were doing the whole grunge-thing. Sure, I forgot about you guys for a bit, when I was into the whole boyband thing (and for that, I can assure you, I have been duly punished). And sure, I forgot about you guys for a bit when I was in my angry 13 year old ghroaaawr bubblegum rock phase. Then, 4, 5, 6 years ago, while snooping around my sister’s room, I found a copy of your album, took a listen to it, and fell in love with your music all over again. Three years ago, my sister moved out and took her whole CD collection with her. So what I did was, I sacrificed smoking 8 and a half packs of cigarettes to have enough money to buy myself a copy of Definitive INXS (yeah, yeah, a real fan should have ALL your albums, but I’m broke, you bastards). I played your songs everyday for a year in my car while driving back and forth to college (my car now has no stereo. It also has no air conditioning. Pity me). One day, I was giving a classmate of mine a ride home from college, one of those hard-core-so-called-Goth-metal-purists-types. I played him Need You Tonight, Suicide Blonde, Devil Inside, Elegantly Wasted and The Gift, and he absolutely loved it (Of course, he also confused you guys with Jimi Hendrix whom I love even more, but that’s another story. What matters is that you guys and Jimi have entirely different musical styles. Anyone, especially a self professed “true rocker” like this dude should be able to tell and the fact that he couldn’t, well… I really don’t know if his opinion counts). I also converted this bubblegum pop loving friend of mine into being a fan of your band. The whole point I’m trying to make here, is that the fact that you guys are able to connect with people of such diverse musical inclinations is something truly remarkable and that I truly respect. And the fact that I’m introducing your music to people that are otherwise too young or stupid to have even heard of you, shows that I’m a real good fan, right? Right? You should also know, that I included at least one of your songs in every mix CD I have ever made for a friend (and that’s a lot!). So believe me when I say that I love you guys and I only want the best for your band.
I was apprehensive, even disgusted when I heard that you guys were on the look out for a new lead singer (you’re replacing Michael????! No one’s good enough to replace Michael!), and that you struck a deal with the Devil himself (that’s Mark Burnett, you do know he’s Satan, right?) to help you in your search. But now I realize that your intentions are somewhat noble, that all you really want to do is to continue to make music, and reach people all over the world with your music. And yes, true enough, even the noblest of deeds, most of the time, require dirty methods (like a reality show) to accomplish. One can’t deny the value of publicity generated by a show like Rock Star. And understandably, a band with a much loved, deceased lead singer that hasn’t come up with a new album in about a decade or so, needs all the attention they can get (and a new singer, doh) to release a new album. I am comforted by the fact that you guys have continuously assured us that you are not seeking to replace Michael; you’re not seeking to replace his memory, his voice. You’re merely seeking a new lead singer. Yes, I get it. I appreciate the fact that you allowed yourselves and your fans generous time –eight years to grieve and mourn. After all, it’s not like you guys kicked Michael out of the band. He died. You guys didn’t. You have every right to carry on. It ain’t over till the fat lady sings, in this case, it ain’t over till the fat Farriss (sorry Andrew, you’ve always been a little chunky but at least you're the most talented brother, eh?) lays down his guitar. INXS, as long as there’s music in you, keep on truckin’, for in silence, there is only death. You live, your fans live, by God, there shall be music!
Some may call your band cheesy, corny. Others might denounce you as sell outs. Losers (my sister called you this!). Wash-outs. One-trick ponies. Sometimes, I agree, but always, I love. Don’t ask me what you know is true; don’t have to tell you I love your precious heart.
And what do you know; Rock Star makes for much better viewing than American Idol. For one thing, the song selection suits my taste to a tee (INXS, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Jefferson Airplane, The Police, The Clash, Patti Smith, Nirvana, Joe Cocker’s The Letter, Queen, Black Crowes, Aerosmith, Bob Dylan, David Bowie….no painful renditions of Celine Dion or Barry Manilow here, god bless). Plus, unlike American Idol, I actually care about who ends up winning this “talent search” because like I said earlier, I actually care about your band.
And that brings me to your final three –Marty Casey, MiG Ayesa and JD Fortune. When I said that I only want what’s best for the band, I meant it. And what is best for your band, as far as my humble fan ears can hear, and my humble fan eyes can see, is JD Fortune. I say this with utter faith, conviction (and a touch of fanaticism). Remember what Ty’s group did to that track of yours, Andrew? They murdered it in the womb. They made it into a jingle for band camp. For god’s sake, Ty was from Dakota Moon! But JD, ah, JD, strange and left-field as he may be, made Pretty Vegas out of it – now that’s something you want to hear from INXS! I could write you a 50 page-long dissertation on why JD should be the lead singer for INXS but a line from your own song, Mystify would be much more powerful, should do all the talking that needs to be done – Why should JD front your band? Because he’s - *cue music*…..Eternally wild with the power to make every moment come alive!
Please don’t pick Marty. I don’t want to be yelled at by what sounds like an axe murderer with Ty’s Mohawk up his ass everytime I listen to your songs. You don’t want to shake your booty to Marty’s screaming, you want to cower in a corner under a blanket, calling out for Mommy. You don’t feel much of anything when Marty sings, except for maybe absolute fear for your fucking life (and the last time I checked, that isn’t what INXS’ music is all about). That song of his, Trees, is catchy alright, but in the most inane way possible. He’s lying when he says he can bring your band into the future, the dude sings and write just like your run of the mill post-grunge modern rock joe. I would rather you guys be doing your same old 80s tricks then go down the Creed/ Alterbridge/ Nickelback road (80s dance-rock is back in vogue anyhow, although I’ll take you guys over those new posers The Killers and The Bravery any day. Actually, I kind of like The Bravery’s Fearless but you guys don’t really need to know that, do you?) Also, why choose MiG? I thought you guys were looking for a rock star, not a leprechaun (just give him a pot of gold, a rainbow, and a green suit and he’s good to go to Ireland). He turns almost every song into a weepy ballad. How the hell did he manage to turn the Stones’ Paint It Black (one of my favorite songs, of all time) into a song that sounds like Richard Marx wrote while redecorating his kitchen and be proud of it? The only time I ever saw him perform one of your songs – What You Need – he same across as Barney on speed mimicking the moves of a nervous and horny high school cheerleader, on speed. I swear, if he takes off his shirt one more time, someone is going to press charges. Also, don’t just choose MiG just because he’s Australian and you’ve been suddenly overwhelmed by an intense bout of patriotism. There are other ways to serve your country.
Admittedly, JD has his weaknesses. His rendition of ‘We Are the Champions’ bombed. ‘As Tears Go By’ was weak but it’s one of my least favorite Stones songs anyway. And sometimes, yeah, his Elvis impersonator past gets the better of him. And sure, he comes across as a jerk to the other contestants but that’s probably just Burnett-editing (he’s Satan, doh, twisted yet subtle are his manipulations) , and sure he’s bit odd and unpredictable, but like you said yourself, Tim, JD could bring a much needed ‘edge’ to your band. I mean, seriously, I don’t mean this as an insult but lets face it, since you guys are close to 50 these days; you’re about as edgy as the rubbery back end of a pencil. And Andrew, didn’t you say you like how JD thinks out of the box? And remember when Dave Navarro said he would watch JD for two hours! JD is the only contestant to perform the same song (Pretty Vegas) 4 times on the show and he has shown each time that he’s able to keep things fresh and new and thrill the fuck out of the crowd (a handy skill to have on a world tour, don’t you think? When you’re playing the same set of songs night after night). And dude, guys, listen, JD has stirred up a response in me that no frontman or potential frontman of a band has been able to do in a very long time. He connects and that’s what a good frontman does; he connects the band to the people. Hate him, love him, you always feel strongly about him because he connects. People care enough to love him with a passion and others care enough to hate him with a vengeance, the point is everyone cares in one way or another. And you guys, you guys want to continue to connect don’t you, you guys want to keep being a band that people care about, don’t you?
I don’t particularly care for Marty and MiG (actually, in Marty’s case, I care enough to be afraid but that’s about it). The only reason they’re mentioned here is because I care about your band. I care about JD fronting your band and tomorrow, you might pick one of them over JD instead. And it scares me to think that from then on, I will be indifferent towards your band. I don’t want to be indifferent, I care about you guys, you cheesy, sell-out bastards, remember?
With Marty or MiG-who? fronting your band, you guys will be dead to me, DEAD, YOU HEAR ME? In fact, you would be better off hanging yourself in that Sydney hotel room with Michael in ‘97. At least I would be grieving and not indifferent.
With J.D. as your new frontman, you can be sure that I’ll continue the tradition of sacrificing 8 and a half packs of cigarettes (and god knows, how I love my cigarettes) to buy your album.
But if tomorrow, you should choose scary Marty or MiG-who, I might have to resort to smoking all 8 and a half packs of cigarettes in a day to ease the pain and disappointment. And I’ll send you the bill for my lung cancer treatment. That’s not a promise.
It’s a threat.
Choose JD. Do it for me. But most importantly –there’s no time to waste, you just do it for yourself (Listen Like Thieves, INXS; 1985- the year I was born, baby!)
Much love, your No. 448 fan, Maryam.
P.S. Yes, I admit it, it doesn’t hurt that JD Fortune is one helluva of a sexy thang. But I want to make it clear THAT IS NOT the main reason as to why I think he’s right for your band, and that’s not the main reason as to why he connects. It’s the fact that he connects that makes him sexy. Oh, and when you see JD tomorrow, tell him that he’s right for your band and that I’ll drink off his toes for his birthday, in fact, for any day, anytime, bay-beh. Dream on in the name of love (Original Sin, INXS; 1983). I will follow you, JD. I will follow The Dream. Now dance, monkey, dance!
P.S.S. If none of the final three works out for you, not that I’m saying JD wouldn’t but just hypothetically speaking, would you consider having me as the lead singer of your band? Two people told me the other day that I do a pretty mean rendition of ‘Mystify’. Of course, they were drunk. And they’re my friends. But they weren’t deaf so their opinion should count for something!
P.S.S.S Yes, I do understand that INXS will probably never read this letter. And I do realize I sound positively crazed if not completely boring. But you have to understand, I’ve been PMS-ed for the past few days (Mental Instability thy has Ovaries), and I haven’t left the house since Saturday (seeing that I’m more or less homicidal when I’m PMS-ed and I care about the safety of the general public. Also, I don’t want to go to jail or be sent to the gallows.) which means all this lack of sun and fresh air has caused me to turn a rather unsightly shade of pale green, like an anemic version of Kermit the Frog. (It ain’t easy being green…Hah! Try being female you amphibious muppet!) - Not ideal conditions for achieving the optimum state of mental and emotional health.
----------------------------------------------------------
“ Tu entre todos los seres tienes derecho a verme débil ”
(You among all beings have the right to see me weak).
El Dano (The Hurt); Pablo Neruda
At least I think that’s what it means
