Selling Out
It’s a shame that a blog such as yours is only read by three people which might or might not include your mom. I suggest you do away with your verbal ranting and raving which not only showcases how inept you are at the proper use of punctuation but requires the kind of attention span last heard of in the century before Christ and the internet. For every one paragraph that you write, you should put up 3 pictures – preferably, one of yourself from the left, one of the contents of your handbag, and another of yourself snogging another girl. I think it would do you well to model your future entries after that of
Anonymous a.k.a someone who is not sincere enough to reveal their actual name.
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Dear Anonymous,
You’re right. And to prove how right you are, my following entry is modeled after that of YC of Blackjettas, the one entitled “Oh Man” where she reveals the contents of her handbag. There are also pictures photoshopped in the manner of Kinkybluefairy. Enjoy!
This is YC's bag.......
This is my bag......
YC is “using a dirt cheap Nine West lacey granny bag”. I am using a dirty Liz Claiborne canvas mommy bag. Because my mom has many other bags and she was embarrassed that her feminine failure of a daughter was lugging around a handbag with only one strap, a huge cigarette burn and superglue stains, she decided to give me this bag just before I left for Oz. It was in much better condition when I first received it.
- YC carries Lotte’s Black Black sugar free gum to color coordinate with her bag. I carry Eclipse Sugar Free Peppermints. Or at least I used to. The tin has been empty for several months now. God knows why it’s still in my bag.
- Winfield Blue Tobacco + rolling paper + filters because it’s cheaper than buying a pack of factory rolled cigarettes of any other brand. Plus, an assortment of lighters (3 of which do not work) stolen and pilfered from unsuspecting friends and strangers. Oh, and a retired hash pipe, a parting gift from my former housemate. Also, a cigarette butt because I don’t believe in littering the streets.
- Like YC, I also carry my passport around. Her reason is that whenever her company or her dad “say go to ‘X’ country, I ask ‘What time?’” My reason? Whenever I go to a club or buy a cigarette, the cashier asks, ‘I.D?’ I’m too lazy to get an 18+ card done.
- An empty tube of ‘Organic’ Apple, Fig & Vanilla Perfume from some quaint, overpriced shop in
- Vanilla Lip Balm, also from
- YC’s wallet is from Luella Bartley. Mine is a super old and tattered Marilyn Monroe print wallet from Cats’ Whiskers, Hartamas. It doesn’t really hold money anymore which is fine by me since I don’t have any.
- …..Actually, I do have a few coins.
- IPod Nano for the music-loving anti-sociaholic. I plug them into my ears so people won’t talk to me.
- Cheap ass phone with the battery dead because no one calls me anyway.
- A pen which doesn’t work. And a pencil sharpener for some odd reason, eventhough I don’t own a pencil.
- YC carries a Moleskin squared notebook. I carry a fifty-cent notebook which is supposed to contain my lecture notes but since my pen doesn’t work…Also, some hand-outs from my lectures which will double as doodling paper in the future.
- Old receipts because again, I do not believe in littering. Oh, and old bus tickets because those come in handy when you come across a bus driver who is half blind and you’re too broke to pay for a fresh bus ticket. That’s right, the fabulous like me know how to travel and ride in style – they take the public bus y’all.
- Empty film roll container thing.
- My housemate’s nail clipper. I don’t know how it got there. But it doubles as a weapon if I ever get mugged while waiting for the bus.
- Seriously unfashionable hair clip. Can also be used as a weapon against muggers. No mugger worth his crime would stand for you putting his hair in an updo.
- Free bookmark from a second-hand/antique bookstore.
Oh, but why stop here? Why not share the contents of my closet? It has been stocked by the editors of Vogue. That’s right, wannabe a fashionista like me? Take a look…….
Of course, clothes mean nothing if you don’t have a fabulous beauty regiment to give you that fabulous, glamorous edge. Take a look inside my bathroom cabinet and see what I use to look oh-so-gorgeous from the outside in…
What? You think my gorgeous face just happens? This is what I use for my face in the mornings….
- Generic facial cleanser.
- Generic oil-free moisturizer
- That’s right, facial hair remover. Because as liberated of a female as I am, walking around with a mustache is just plain confusing. Nevermind that this cream smells like rotten eggs mixed with cat piss.
- White Glo Whitening Toothpaste for smokers with ugly yellow teeth. So I can prove those Tak Nak and Nobody Smokes Here Anymore ads wrong.
- Deodorant because my face stinks. What? What do you mean that’s not how you use it???
This is what I use for my face at night………..oh wait, I usually pass out before I can do anything to my face at night. Oh, well, this is what I use in the shower:
- Sunsilk Deeply Brunette Shampoo. I dyed my hair light brown and after one session of swimming in a chlorinated pool, it quickly turned bright orange. I bought this shampoo because I was hoping I could turn my hair brown again for cheap. It gave me dandruff but at least now my hair looks white instead of orange
- Aveda Rosemary Mint Conditioner. From the days before my hair was dyed orange.
- Chocolate Truffle Shower Milk. This made me fat the first month I used it. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat it.
- Instant noodles to make my hair fall out. Because big hair is so 1987. Oh, and it saves time in the kitchen so I can concentrate on other things like getting gorgeous.
- Garlic Granules to make instant noodles taste better and for fresh, kissable breath.
- Vitamin C tablets because I like the taste of orange.
- Balsamic Vinegar because my mom bought ten bottles of this when she came to visit. Drinking bottles of this on an empty stomach makes me vomit which is good for keeping thin. Obviously, I haven’t used a single drop.
- Aspirin. Because being gorgeous can be a pain. Codeine is only for when I’m extra gorgeous.
What? You want to look inside my make-up bag to uncover more of my secrets to being gorgeous? Here you go……
Yes, I don’t have a makeup bag. I have a bathroom counter on which the following things lay:
- Bobbi Brown Bronzing Stick. “Borrowed” from underneath my sister’s bathroom cabinet. I forgot to return it. Honestly, I forgot. I don’t even know why I need this. If I was a true Asian beauty I would be clamoring to the stores for whitening cream.
- Eyelash curler. It doubles as a weapon to defend myself against home intruders and robbers. Yeah, you better stay away before I give you flirty, curly lashes and fresh-looking peepers.
- L’Oreal Waterproof Lash Architect False Lash Effect Mascara in Black. It has to be waterproof because I’m so gorgeous, I make myself cry.
Follow the above and you too can look as gorgeous as I do in this picture:
*photos by the fabulous LuZher
No actual gorgeous and fabulous people were hurt in the making of this blog entry. Maybe just slightly offended.
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