Pop Politics (The French Know What They're Doing!)
They say that more people are interested in voting for their Pop Idol than they are for their own president. If this is true, then to provide an analysis of a country’s political climate, culture & sensibilities, one only needs to study their respective, democratically-elected Pop Idols. Let’s try it shall we?
| WHO? | CLAY AIKEN Runner up American Idol Season 2. Went on to sell more records than the winner. | JULIEN DORE Winner Nouvelle Star 2007 @ French Idol | DAMIEN Winner of 2006 Australian Idol. He is Irish | DANIEL LEE Also known as Chee Hun. Winner of Malaysian Idol Season 2. And then they canceled the show |
| PRE-IDOL “INDIE-CLEVERNESS” CRED | Had no friends. | Frontman of two unsigned indie bands – one playing “postmodern art rock”, the other “a Southern concept cover band” with the very clever names of Dig Up Elvis and The Jean D’Ormesson Disco Suicide. Went to art school. Plays the ukulele. Owns a guitar autographed by the Gipsy Kings. | Is a fully qualified chemist. WORLD FAMOUS IN | Is from Kedah. Likes the colour pink |
| TOM SELLECK FACTOR (the measure of a mustache) | Jeebus, the guy doesn’t even have eyebrows! | Soft, golden fuzz like on a little peach. Cute but does not compare to the bushy, manly splendour of Tom Selleck’s | Looks the type to want to grow a goatee someday. But that would be more The Edge than the manly splendour of Tom Selleck | Dude, just look at him. Tom Selleck ain’t never been to this town! |
| GINGER FACTOR | If it looks ginger, smells ginger, acts ginger, it is ginger. | More dirty blond than ginger and we all love our blonds diiirrrtay. Ooh yeah. | He’s Irish – there has to be some rogue ginger gene in him somewhere! | Self-made ginger. The Ginger-est of all Gingers. |
| STYLE INSPIRATION | Your neighborhood peeping Tom. Tom Cruise. Anyone in a bad wig. Xenu. | Think a High Street version of the Hedi Slimane/ Pete Doherty trash-retro-dandy-rocker-look without the touch of coke whore. The closest anyone other than Pete Doherty can come to dressing like Pete Doherty without getting beat up. Add a dash of Euro chic. | Your dad. Trying to be cool. | Your aunt. Not even trying. |
| FLAMBOYANCE FACTOR | Not so much flamboyant as he is fear-inducing | Wears hair barrettes. And patterned silk chiffon scarves. Draped himself over a piano. Body-slammed a piano. Covered Madonna’s Like a Virgin & Britney’s Hit Me Baby (One More Time). Sang that his name is Lolita or you can call him Lola. Felt up a fellow male contestant’s butt onstage and on national TV. Claims that his ukulele possesses magical powers. Elvis fan. Played a dancey-folky song on his ukulele about delicious, fishy female vaginas for his Idol audition. Wrote a sensitive love song called Je Vais T’enculer (I will Fuck You Up The Ass) | As flamboyant as your local chemist who once, some years ago, got really drunk at an office Christmas party and thought it’d be wild to undo his cuffs and roll up his sleeves. Got a little emotional on camera once over being called “an Ugly Bastard” and “Tic Tac Teeth” by judges. | Not so much flamboyant as it is laughable. |
| ODD LYRIC MOMENT | “Whatcha’ doin’ tonight | “I can’t leeeve. Weeez or Weezaaaaoout yewwwww…….weeez or weeeezaaaooout yew oh-ho” Yeah..err.. me neither. | DATA NOT AVAILABLE. You can’t expect me to pay that much attention to their songs… | |
| SOUNDS LIKE | A sexual predator | Sex on legs with a howling, growling guide dog | Meals on Wheels | Needs a meal |
| FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS | Should he be allowed to roam freely in society? /When is he going to come out of the closet? Who cares? | Julien – le grande artiste or imposteur? | Jay-sus, he’s an ugly bastard, isn’t he? | If I buy 10 DVDs got discount ah? |
| POP N ROLL MOMENT | Confessed to Rolling Stone magazine that he accidentally killed a kitten when he was 16 and now fears he is being haunted by it. | Every other performance. | Naming his kids Jarvis and Jagger Ramone | Having a group of unrequited groupies called “The Pinkies” after his favorite color. |
| FREQUENTLY RECEIVED INSULT | “It didn’t hurt Clay Aiken to have his balls cut off” – Triumph the Comic Insult Dog for PETA | Poseur. The Americans call him the French Sanjaya but only because they’re jealous. | “You sure can sing but jesus, you’re an ugly bastard!” – Idol judge Mark something or other | They canceled the Malaysian Idol Series because of him. They didn’t want people like him winning. Ever. Again. |
| RESULT/ POLITICAL ANALYSIS | The public voted for Ruben Studdard to be the winner and then bought more records from Clay Aiken suggesting that the public might have a little trouble understanding the concept of voting. Result: George W. Bush is president. | The French clearly have an appreciation for the finer, beautiful things in life. They obviously know how to pick their Pop Idols but voted Sarkozy for president anyway. Just to prove a point. That they’re French and they do things differently. Because they can. | Australians just love voting for ugly bastards. Hence, John Howard. | Malaysian public decide they suck at the whole democracy/ voting thing after just two tries and in the spirit of Malaysia Boleh, decide to forget about the concept altogether. Result: Same old goats in power |
To celebrate an entire nation agreeing with my opinion that Julien is bloody awesome, I’ve decided to post up videos of Julien. Because I can.
1. Here is Julien, pre-idol days with his band, Dig Up Elvis, playing the song Back Rickenbacker. I have no idea why his vocals sound like a mock imitation of Billy Corgan’s here. You can visit their MySpace Profile for more
2. Here is the music video for Fuck You Now by Julien’s other band, The Jean D’Ormesson Disco Suicide (feat. Dig Up Elvis). No, that’s not Julien in the video. You can visit their MySpace profile for more
"Fuck You Now" The Jean D'Ormesson's feat. Dig up Elvis
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3. Here is Julien at the Marseille audition of Nouvelle Star. Watch out for “Funny Fishy Pussy Song” at the end.
6. Here is Julien performing (with lots of feeling Enrique Crying Face and all) Cristophe’s Les Mots Bleu. Has a touch of Michael Bolton-cheesiness to it but hey, it works.
7. In case you missed it the first time, here is where Julien did wonders with Alizee’s Moi Lolita
8. Here is Julien performing I Put A Spell on You
9. Here is Julien pushing Britney’s Hit Me Baby (One More Time) to hyper-ridiculousness.
10. Here is Julien performing Dalida’s Mourir Sur Scene. So Cheesy, it’s good
10. Here Julien goes all cute with Sabine Paturel’s Les Betises
11. Here is Julien performing Tainted Love
12. Here, Julien has obviously eaten the same seizure-inducing breakfast cereal favored by that dude from The Vines (remember them anyone?) (The Kinks – You Really Got Me)
Here I am. There is no Julien. Bah!
