Your Ass Looks Good in That Destiny
READ HIS BUM AND TELL YOUR FUTURE – this was printed in bright pink on the cover of May’s Cleo magazine (Aussie edition). “Women’s” magazines, dear God. Do I really need to foresee my future on a guy’s bum? What is my promised “bright” future doing plastered on a guy’s bum where the sun don’t shine? Excuse me dude; get off your ass; that’s my future you’re sitting on! SCARILY ACCURATE METHODS THAT WILL UNLOCK YOUR DESTINY - THE FRUIT SOMEONE’S BUTT MOST RESEMBLES CAN REVEAL THEIR TRUE SELF! Oh, you have got to be kidding me with this scarily inane article. The only thing this article probably unlocked is the mental hospital cell of the fruitcake that wrote it. And if your butt reveals your true self, then it’s probably because you’re an ass. But alas, I did briefly look in the mirror to see what fruit my booty resembled and I couldn’t figure it out. The only fruit I had in my fridge to compare my butt to were strawberries and it isn’t on the article’s list of fruity butt shapes. So I ate the strawberries since it wasn’t going to tell me anything about my true self except for the fact that I really like strawberries……. Something I could’ve told you myself if you had only bothered to ask instead of just looking at my bum.
Along with the usual fashion and beauty features, other articles in this month’s Cleo include: “THE BITCH IS BACK”, “I BLEW $80,000 ON MY WEDDING…THEN WE
Dear Cleo (and other “women’s” magazines), Instead of displaying a whole array of skinny jeans for this month’s fashion feature, why not be way fashion forward and feature fat genes. And if you’re going to feature the articles you do: “I STABBED THE BITCH IN THE BACK” “I BLEW $80,000 ON MY WEDDING..THEN I SPLIT THE BASTARD’S HEAD OPEN”, “C’MON ADMIT IT – THEY SAY YOU’RE A MAN-HATING LESBIAN FEMINIST BUT YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT SLEEPING WITH A MAN”, “I ACTUALLY ATE LUNCH IN MY LUNCH HOUR”, and “ONE NIGHT STANDS – WHAT HE’LL REALLY THINK, OH WHO CARES WHAT WHAT’S HIS NAME REALLY THINKS?” Sounds like a stupid idea? Wow, you don’t say…
Yeah, yeah, I’m fully aware that Cleo and its peers never made any promises about being an Academic Journal of Very Academic Stuff with Lots of Clever Things That Clever People Only Pretend to Get. But still, can’t one have one’s cake and eat one’s veggies too? The excuse is that they’re only giving their public what it wants, that the articles they publish are what interests most women. Yeah, alright, shoes, clothes, a little celebrity dish, a silly quiz – they’re great. Who wants their toilet reading to feel like a lecture from Germaine Greer anyhow? But if Playboy and Penthouse, publications essentially devoted to supplying men with pictures of women with their tits out can have articles that don’t surpass the maximum level on the stupidity meter, then I don’t see how these self-proclaimed “women’s” magazines can’t. And if you think men’s magazines are doing a bad job with their portrayal and treatment of women – “women’s” magazines, well – tell me, really, what is the point of asking Sienna Miller if she has “fat days” or Kirsten Dunst about what she thinks of Britney (instead of anything they’ve done or achieved) unless it’s to propagate and amplify the notion that females do nothing but look pretty and bitch about other people. Which we do, every once in a while. But we also have day jobs and hobbies and interests that extend far beyond that and sometimes, we’re bloody good at it.
