PRESSed for Time
Wow, wow, wow – hasn’t it been a long time since you last heard anything from me? Fear not, all 2.5 readers of my blog, I’m still alive and relatively well despite the fact that I’m covered with tons of bumps and bruises and a shitload of assignments. You know, I had so much brilliant, fascinating, witty stuff to say since my last blog entry but absolutely no time to write down that I’ve forgotten it all. Oh well, my genius will have to be revealed for 0.0000042% of the world to appreciate some other time, eh?
One: Conversations with an Envious Self
The newsreader on TV said, “And finally, some good news about our continuing water crisis and traffic woes… Due to the drought, construction work for the (I can’t remember its name) tunnel (in
Wonderful. What the hell is wrong with the press? Who needs water when you have a tunnel? Because we all know basic human needs must be met first before we can aspire to the vain trappings of “civilization” such as water. Yes – air, food, shelter, sex and ‘tunnel’.
Speaking of basic human needs, I must say, the search for a new place to stay brought out the good, the worst and the Martha Stewart in me. Anyway, I sold out and went for the sucker-like/touristy option of getting a place at Surfer’s
(The View from the Balcony)
It’s 10 minutes walk to the beach and close to everything; it’s a nice change from living in Labrador – instead of rolling out of bed and feeling like I’d rather roll right into a grave then live here another day, now I start my mornings by taking a walk/jog along the beach and thinking that damn, I’m so jealous of myself right now… “I live by the beach, nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh – where do you live, sucker?” I smugly said to myself and myself replied, “In your body, unfortunately.” Yeah, that sucks. As I was trying to jog in the sand (although to the casual observer, it might seem like I was a crawling sea turtle), I tried to motivate myself by thinking, “Brazilian Beach Babe Butt, Brazilian Beach Babe Butt, Brazilian Beach Babe Butt” but Myself replied, “Bagel Bakery Beef Burger Baloney Blisters Bullshit Bitch Bloody Bastard Bugger Bangang Bahlol Babi I’m dying here ……can’t……… breathe…………eckh…cough……quit… smo-cough….splat………Nee-Naw Nee-Naw Nee-Naw.....clear…tooooooooooot….” I can’t believe that I, the Chief Executive of Kaki Bangku Couch Potato Federation of the World and President of My-Old-Gym-Membership-Was-As-Utilized-As-Tits-On-A-Man-Club, am saying this but I think I’m beginning to understand why people get hooked on exercise. All those happy happy endorphins being released in the brain; it really is a rush……… except when you’re bypassed by an 80 year old springing like a gazelle on speed – now that’s just a blow to your ego.
Two:
Every week, 99.8% of my journalism class goes on a tirade about how Paris Hilton is evil and how she should be banned from being mentioned in the media. And these are the very people who five minutes earlier were going on and on and on and on and oh my god still on and on about press freedom and how inflammatory cartoons in the press are fine in the name of “freedom of speech” and yet now they’re saying that Paris Hilton should be banned from the media spotlight because it’s beneath them, an insult to their superior intellectual capacity? Hey mate, if you really have better things on your mind than Paris Hilton, why is it that every class discussion we have seem to end up being about Paris Hilton? “I think Paris Hilton is a despicable, disgusting human being,” said one girl wearing a dress
Of course, I will agree that I don’t want to hear about a celebrity breaking up with so and so while watching the evening news. There’s a time and place for these things and it is called Pink is the New Blog (which alas, alas, I occasionally frequent). When evening news reports about an entire tsunami-devastated community in need of urgent aid is swiftly followed by reports of Prince William’s break-up with his girlfriend/ Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban going to the Easter Fair, you start to wonder……. If you take the Prince and the name Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban out of the picture, you’re left with: Rescue workers combed the remote coastline of the northern
Three: A Kayak, A Surfboard, A Tan Covered by a Whole
In other news (hahahaha, geddit? Geddit?) I went off to
Oh yeah, laugh at those red helmets now – soon everyone will be wearing a red helmet. Didn’t you hear? Red helmet is the new black. And it was probably the very thing that saved my head from being split open. The waves dumped the very solid kayak on my head a few times. Alas, alas, no one handed me a helmet when I tried getting on a surfboard for the first time. Good fun but absolutely disastrous as my instructor/sister KJ will attest. Why God? Why did you place upon me the burden of having absolutely no balance? If you happened to be in Byron last weekend and you saw a chick being dragged around the water by her right ankle by a surfboard, yeah that was me. Anyway, woke up Monday morning with what I think was a mean tan but I couldn’t tell for certain since it was covered by a layer of black, blue and purple bruises. There’s a huge, painful, swollen lump on my lower back that prevents me from doing all sorts of important things – like lying down and watching TV. Gnarly, dude. Seriously, gnarly. It was great fun though and I would do it again…..if I manage to walk again. I tried to get on a surfboard and all I got was paralysis. (Ok, ok, I shouldn’t make jokes about paralysis)
Anyway, I'm a bit annoyed that everytime I seem to be enjoying myself, someone says, "Don't you have work to do? You comm. students have it real easy......." It's not all sun, sea and sand. I have work but I make time to play. It's called time management, you asswipes. Gah, don't mind me. I'm just bitching because my back hurts and I'm creaking all over. Speaking of work, I have to get back (ouch!) to it. You know how they say those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Well uh, those who fail probably didn't stick to the plan. Will be back with something more insightful and coherent someday. Eventually. Hopefully.
