Your Fictional Gene Pool
Okay, okay, so the delectable face and body really belongs to actor and real-life person, Jensen Ackles. Kudos to his gene pool. His mama must be so proud that she popped such a hot bun out of the oven. And yes, part of my attraction to the character of Dean Winchester is due to his physical attributes like:
a) the pretty doll-like eyes and the pouty I-think-I’ll-Have-That-For-Lunch lips. I like girlie features. Because deep down, you know I swing that way.
b) the mancung nose.
c) the chiseled bone structure.
d) the thick hair
e) The 6’1” hunka Texan beefcakeness. My own 5’7”ness and the four-inch bright red, patent-leather heels that I recently bought and unconvincingly swear that I will actually wear out some day will require a male arm accessory that is at least 6 feet tall. I’m not dainty, willowy or particularly fragile-looking so it’s a plus point that Dean with his badan sasa isn’t either. I want someone that doesn’t make me feel like Chynna standing next to David Spade. Judging by Jensen Ackles’ bulging biceps, I think it’s safe to say that I don’t look like I can beat him up. I’d like to be able to if the need shall arise but I don’t want to look it. Ever.
f) The nice, solid butt. I like butts and I cannot lie. I’ve had enough of ass-less guys. You know when you move to grab a guy’s bum and all you end up feeling is the wallet in his back pocket? Well yeah, that kinda sucks. Unless you’re a pickpocket.
g) The slightly sharp canines. Sharp canines are sexy. They suggest that a person eats meat. Meat lovers are sexy. Eating meat is what helped human beings evolved from simple, ape-like stupidity to a more complex, advanced form of stupidity. God help me if I ever have to put up with a vegetarian. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals. They’re tasty. Mmmm….bite me.
h) The light dusting of freckles on his nose. Because I’m actually in love with myself.
Right. But there’s also all those other aspects of Dean that I love that can’t be attributed to Jensen Ackles because lets face it, I don’t really know what this Jensen guy is like. How is my attraction to Dean more than just physical? Let me count the ways..
1) He’s funny, full of quotable witty one-liners. Call me delusional or full of myself, but I think I’m the funniest person I know which makes it hard for me to laugh at other people’s jokes. Ha-Ha. A guy that I consider to be as funny as me is good. But not funnier. He’ll steal the show. I don’t like people stealing my show.
2) He’s a trusty sidekick, unlike his “I’m so special, I’m a psychic demon spawn and I’m all my Daddy thinks about” younger brother, Sam. I don’t like people stealing my show. I’m an egomaniac. I come from a big family. I have issues. Of course, by sidekick, I don’t mean someone who doesn’t know how to take charge and make decisions when time calls for it. The operative word here is ‘sidekick’ not spineless. You can’t do any kicking, side or front without a spine.
3) He’s the best older brother ever. You’ve got to love a guy who watches out for his brother.
4) He’s an orphan. No, I’m not exactly popping out balloons and streamers over the fact that his childhood was tragic and his parents are dead. And no, I’m not wishing anyone’s parents dead. But the lack of a mother-in-law-type character in the picture isn’t a bad deal. Because my own mother is a handful. She’s 10 mothers, 3 mother-in-laws, half a stepmother and 1 grandmother rolled into one and she’s pretty much all the mother I can handle. Anymore and I think I might have a serious mental breakdown. Also, the fact that Dean grew up without a mom and a demon-hunting-work obsessed dad means that he knows how to take care of himself. Good. Who needs a guy that has to be constantly mothered? I don’t want kids. There can only be one baby and that’s me. Actually, I’m not that bad. I can open jars, carry heavy things and have no qualms about killing nasty cockroaches. Yes I’m both a baby and the Man of the House. Is there a difference?
5) He doesn’t seem to have any friends other than his brother. He hates small talk with strangers. He makes being anti-social look like it’s what all the cool kids are doing. Because at the rate my mother is cutting into my time with friends, I will have hardly any friends left by the time I’m 25. The few that remain will be the ones that fully understand what it’s like to have a mother like mine. And they will only understand because their moms are a lot like mine, in fact, their mom is mine. Hello, sisters (no, no hugs!). As for small talk with strangers, yes, I love a guy that doesn’t feel the need to constantly act like some Yang Berhormat MP walking about his constituency two weeks before the election. I myself find small talk with most (though not all) strangers not only awkward and uncomfortable but most importantly, boring and highly annoying. I’d rather chew my own foot off. And swallow it.
6) …..But can be charming when it’s required of him. While you don’t want to associate yourself with a budding politician, you’re not prepared to kick it with a complete social retard either. You need someone yang boleh dibawa majlis because some social occasions just can’t be avoided unless you’re dead.
7) He’s a hero. He saves precious human lives by working as a demon/ghost/evil supernatural creatures-hunter for free. I think I mentioned before that I wanted to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer when I was 14. Well there you go, Vampire Slayer and Demon Hunter – perfect.
8) He’s adept at committing credit card fraud. Yes, money doesn’t matter. But stuff does. You can’t live on air. He has sacrificed a lot to save lives, goddammit! What’s a little credit card scam if it helps the greater good?
9) He knows how to use a crossbow because err…..bowhunting is an important skill.
10) He’s serious about work but knows how to kick back and have fun. You’ve got to play hard when you work hard to save the world from a demon-led takeover.
11) He’s streetwise. Nevermind that he confuses American history with School House Rock or that he finds the use of the word ‘corporeal’ pompous. I’ll read the books, he can read the maps.
12) He knows how to fix cars. My hand in err….yes, just hand to the first valiant suitor that can restore my beat-up, problem child of a car back to full health, maybe even pimp it – put in a hot tub and LCD TV or three. But seriously, the fact that Dean can fix up his ‘67 Chevy Impala as if it had never been hit by a giant truck is impressive. Also, he makes being smothered in black oil look so sexy, you almost convince yourself that black oil is edible. And that car, ah, that car is a punctuation mark at the end of a long line of hotness.
13) He’s not a metrosexual. Ugh. Metrosexuals. A little scruffiness is attractive. Dirrrty is even better. Heh.
14) He likes “frisky women”. Good. I’m frisky….A little repressed and insecure but “frisky”, nonetheless. Besides, all that repression and insecurity just makes a girl a whole lot friskier deep down, doesn’t it? Isn’t that right, sisters? Hahaha.
15) He likes classic rock. I believe you can tell a lot about a person by their taste in music. Also, anyone that still uses a cassette player over one of those shiny, new, hi-tech fancy mp3/camera/phone/microwave/GPS/WMD/mini-UFO gadgets must have an appreciation for old things and I’m only going to get older.
16) He has masqueraded as an FBI agent, a fireman, a CDC doctor, etc - he doesn’t mind a little role playing. Ooo….tee hee…eh, wait, what was I saying? I got distracted……….
17) He’s a bad boy with a heart of gold. Like fried chicken, men are best served crispy on the outside, tender on the inside…….and hot. New Age heart-on-the-sleeve sensitive types please exit stage left and take your sniffling and weeping to a therapist who cares.
For these virtues, I’m willing to overlook the fact that Dean
- sometimes suffer from the atypically American affliction of shoot-first-ask-questions-later-itis. The shot-in-the-head don’t tend to answer, man.
- can sometimes look a little puffy when he’s not well rested. So do I. Well, you can’t do a lot of sleeping when you’re…… what was I saying? I got distracted.
- wears too many layers of clothing. Honey, don’t be selfish. Why keep those treasures to yourself?!!
- has a younger brother with a hot body. Eh, wait, why is this a bad thing?
And oh, alright, so Dean Winchester is really a fictional character from the TV show, Supernatural. Still, if writers mostly right about what they know then surely the creators must base the character of Dean Winchester on someone they know in real life, right? Right? Yes? No? The Cosmic Order has been trying to teach me that all men, no matter in what form – husbands, fathers, brothers, lovers, friends, acquaintances with benefits, rock stars, lecturers, waiters, random passing stranger on the street – are disappointing. And while I’ve tried my very best to be an apt pupil, I sometimes find my commitment to pessimism wavering.
I just wrote 4 pages on a fantasy man. I must be coming down with something. Shame on me, shaaaaaame, shame.
Ah, well. Give me a break. I’m on holiday and my brain has a flashing, neon ‘Vacancy’ sign up-front. An idle mind is a fictional demon hunter’s playground.
He can ride my see-saw. Anytime.
Ugh.
I need to go get a hobby or something. But, I already know what I’d like to do……
Err….I’ll shut up now.
