The Festive Season
A Time of Optimism
The optimism disease is perhaps, the oldest, surviving disease known to Humankind and it is not a health issue that can be taken lightly. Those infected with optimism have been known to jump to their deaths from tall buildings under the impression that they would be able to fly. They’ve been known to spend all their money, hopeful if not certain that there will always be more. Optimism is a disease that will cause one to hold on when others are willing to let go. It’s a disease that has defeated many great generals throughout history despite the fact that it is often closely associated with unremarkable men.
But what is even worse than being infected with optimism is to be cured of it; there is only one known remedy in fighting optimism and that is disappointment. The recommended dosage varies from case to case. Research has shown that patients who are given small, frequent doses of disappointment recover more slowly than those that are given a large, one-off amount but are less likely to be re-infected by the disease later on in life. Experts say that currently, the complete eradication of the Optimism Disease will only be possible if the world community unites toward the total annihilation of Humankind. They are however, hopeful that an alternative solution will miraculously be found in the near future.
In the meantime, some preventive measures can be taken to reduce our risk of being infected. We can start by identifying carriers of the Optimism virus – the blindly faithful, hopeless romantics, Oprah Winfrey, the mentally well adjusted, happy drunks, well meaning friends on your birthday, well meaning friends on your birthday that are happy drunk versions of Oprah Winfrey – and completely avoiding or at least, limiting direct contact with them. Research has also shown that one is more susceptible to being infected by the optimism virus during New Year’s Eve and birthdays where empty greetings, well wishes and lavish celebrations might lead one to believe without any good, solid proof that the next twelve months will be better than the last. Therefore, it is best that one stays in bed, buried underneath the covers with one’s mobile phone switched off on such occasions.
Patient A is a life-long chronic sufferer of optimism and describes her condition as “an unfaithful lover that comes and goes as it pleases, each time leaving you worse off than the last.” She recently turned 21 and when asked on how she was feeling, she answers, “Hopeful.” She said the exact same thing on her 20th and on her 19th (not to mention the year before that and the one before that..) despite repeated warnings from experts in the field that “Hope is the wasteland of the unfulfilled.”
Rudolph’s Mercy
Someone, somewhere is about to be crushed by a falling Christmas tree. Not just any Christmas tree, but The World’s Tallest Christmas Tree in a shopping mall that occupies the world’s (formerly) tallest building where the spirit of Christmas can be bought for a bargain at a 50% discount. They will even throw you a free set of steak knives with a red ribbon on top if you’re nice. Perfume promoters are dressed in short Santarina outfits that would make Santa Claus seem like the Hugh Hefner of the North Pole. The overenthusiastic Santarinas will have your eyeballs smelling of
A friend says to me, “Come over to my place for Christmas lunch on the 25th.”
“Sure,” I say. I’ll go anywhere where there’s free food because I’m Malaysian to the bone.
Another friend says, “I’m having a Christmas open-house on the 26th. Come. It’s not an invitation. It’s an order.”
“Yes ma’am,” I obligingly say for even if one is not religiously or traditionally obliged to celebrate Christmas, there seems to be no escaping it. No escape.
At home, I turn on the TV and there is Ben Affleck trying to survive Christmas by paying a bunch of strangers to celebrate it with his big chin. I switch the channel and there is Rob Lowe helping a poor boy buy a pair of Christmas shoes for his dying mother.
Yet another friend sings, “Rudolph the red nose reindeer, had a very shiny gun, and if you ever see him – you better turn around and run!!!!!!!”
You can run. But there’s no escaping it. No escape. I am at Rudolph’s mercy.
