The University Offer Letter that Should Have Been
So my offer to that one and only university that I applied to has been revised from conditional to unconditional but I have no idea what the difference is between the two. Nor, at this point, do I really care. To quote JD Fortune (new lead singer of middle aged band, INXS) who surprisingly, despite never having been to Malaysia, knows a Malay word or two, “I just want to put on my kasut and go for a jalan.” (For those of you that don’t speak Malay, kasut means shoes and jalan means walk)
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Dear Miss Bakar,
Our university is pleased that you have chosen to study with us and we are certain that you will find your experience at our University both challenging and rewarding for as long as you keep paying those tuition fees on time. Otherwise, you might find your experience here merely challenging and not nearly as rewarding. I am pleased to offer you a place as a full time international student in our Bachelor of Communication program at our Gold Coast campus. The reduced program length of two years is based upon your previous studies in the American Degree Program (Communications) at HELP University College, Malaysia where your transcripts have proven that you have been trained in the basic skills required for a Communications student – time wasting (including procrastination in all forms), bong-building, chain smoking, cutting class and getting someone else to take your attendance for you and the most essential skill of all, cock-talking which is divided into two sub-categories: i) the ability to bullshit your way out of trouble and ii) the ability to talk like you know what you’re talking about even when you don’t. We are also pleased to note your general lack of focus and absence of proper ambition – anything more and we might have to transfer you to a more “decent” program, like Accountancy or Engineering. This offer however, is conditional on undertaking and successfully completing our university’s courses –namely going for a concert by at least one Aussie band that at one point or another, could have been called “world-known”(lucky for you, there aren’t that many to choose from). Take note that you may encounter difficulty in Advanced Chain Smoking (unit code ACS 201), seeing that the price of cigarettes in Australia are as much of a killer as lung cancer but you could look at it as part of the “challenging experience” that we so gleefully promised you from the start. After your arrival, please submit your full academic transcripts and award certificate to the International Office so that we may have something to wipe our asses with.
We look forward to your money joining our university’s bank account and wish you well with your preparations for departure – we especially hope that you will not have gain too much weight by then to have to pay for two seats on your plane journey over here.
Yours sincerely,
(you know, not everyone in Australia says ‘G’day, Mate!”)
Admissions Officer
International Office – Gold Coast.
P.S. Yeah, we’re in love with the new lead singer of INXS too. Even if he is Canadian.
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Dear Miss Bakar,
Our university is pleased that you have chosen to study with us and we are certain that you will find your experience at our University both challenging and rewarding for as long as you keep paying those tuition fees on time. Otherwise, you might find your experience here merely challenging and not nearly as rewarding. I am pleased to offer you a place as a full time international student in our Bachelor of Communication program at our Gold Coast campus. The reduced program length of two years is based upon your previous studies in the American Degree Program (Communications) at HELP University College, Malaysia where your transcripts have proven that you have been trained in the basic skills required for a Communications student – time wasting (including procrastination in all forms), bong-building, chain smoking, cutting class and getting someone else to take your attendance for you and the most essential skill of all, cock-talking which is divided into two sub-categories: i) the ability to bullshit your way out of trouble and ii) the ability to talk like you know what you’re talking about even when you don’t. We are also pleased to note your general lack of focus and absence of proper ambition – anything more and we might have to transfer you to a more “decent” program, like Accountancy or Engineering. This offer however, is conditional on undertaking and successfully completing our university’s courses –namely going for a concert by at least one Aussie band that at one point or another, could have been called “world-known”(lucky for you, there aren’t that many to choose from). Take note that you may encounter difficulty in Advanced Chain Smoking (unit code ACS 201), seeing that the price of cigarettes in Australia are as much of a killer as lung cancer but you could look at it as part of the “challenging experience” that we so gleefully promised you from the start. After your arrival, please submit your full academic transcripts and award certificate to the International Office so that we may have something to wipe our asses with.
We look forward to your money joining our university’s bank account and wish you well with your preparations for departure – we especially hope that you will not have gain too much weight by then to have to pay for two seats on your plane journey over here.
Yours sincerely,
(you know, not everyone in Australia says ‘G’day, Mate!”)
Admissions Officer
International Office – Gold Coast.
P.S. Yeah, we’re in love with the new lead singer of INXS too. Even if he is Canadian.
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